Catfish Bones

 A Love Song to the Blues

It has been said that the Blues is America's gift to the World, but in the year 2010,  the great players have passed on, and the young bucks just don't get it. To make matters worse, nobody seems to care that the Blues is d.  ying. No one, except a young man with the unfortunate name of Catfish Bones, who struggles to survive and keep the Blues alive in this one-hour musical


NOTE: THE ENTIRE ONE HOUR PLAY IS POSTED, WITH THE SONG RECORDINGS,
JUST CLICK ON "OLDER POSTS" IN SEQUENCE AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO
READ THE ENTIRE PLAY, AND HEAR THE SONG RECORDINGS.
The Actors

Catfish Bones, guitar/harmonica player, singer

 2 guys

Awkward Man

Woman #1/ Sue

Spirit voices, must sound like old blues men (could be recording)

Cook (bass or rhythm guitar)

Cashier (drummer or bass, as needed for trio)

Boss Lady –non speaking role

Lady with laptop – non speaking role

Slow Joe –  a heavy set tin whistle player

Bass Player – Amplified Rock/Blues Bass

Misc. ensemble roles can be added at Directors discretion

 

Act 1 - Scene 1

Catfish Bones (a guitar/blues harmonica player)  is playing in a small, mostly empty CHICAGO café. The coffee girl(Boss Lady) pounds espresso after espresso while working on a Sudoko book. The only customers are a gay couple talking with each other at some distance from the stage,  a girl working at her laptop, and a young man and women on a first date who are  unable to sustain a conversation, so they watch Catfish with a forced interest, but are really trying to connect to each other, awkwardly. No one is especially interested in Catfish.

[Listen to Song#1 "Becky on the Road" on this YouTube link.  I Hired John Black
to record this song, but I am exclusive owner to the copyright for theplay and all songs
all songs are original, copyright -2010]

Song#1 "Becky on the Road"

Catfish: So, I’ve been walking around for about a month and a half now with a notebook
in my hand and  telling folks I was working on “the Greatest Love Song ever written!” I have it all up here (pointing to his head).  All I have to do now is just write it down.  Simple, right?
But honestly, I’ve just been having one problem after another with the song, and finally last night I couldn’t take it anymore. So I go “to Hell with this!”, tear my notes in half,  and flush them down the toilet.

Naturally, the damn thing clogged the toilet, and I had to reach in and pull out  a soggy mess of crappy lyrics.
But I had the last laugh, I grabbed a gallon of gas, and went down to the Forest Preserve and burned the whole damn thing. Watching “the Greatest Love song ever written” go up in flames, man I tell you -It was the best I’ve felt in months! (Laughs to himself)

(looking over at the Boss Lady, who’s looking at Catfish impatiently and tapping the pencil on her Sodoku book, Catfish  sheepishly Aside to his audience )– Boss Lady’s wants to hear some music,, I better play something

[short instrumental]

Becky was her name.  She would come over when she was feeling down, and I’d sing her the Blues, tell a few stories, get her to laugh, make her smile..that felt good (closing his eyes and smiling)

That felt real good[short instrumental]

So I’d sing her the Blues, and she’ll tell me about her kids, and then she’d start talking about her dream.  Yeh, her dream was to move to Chicago, “the Windy City” and be a reporter for WGN , and get a place looking down on Lake Shore Drive, and it was all planned out and it all seemed so real when she’d tell it, and you really wanted to believe in her and say “go for it!” But it was crazy, things don’t happen that way, I’m mean I’ve seen too many people destroyed to believe in Dreams, you work for everything, and everything is five times harder to get because you want it, and that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it’s always been.  And of course Becky would say that’s because it’s your Fate to be a Bluesman,. how do you argue with logic like that?  Fate! Dreams! She’s a smart girl too, but she really believes that nonsense! I tell you this, you give me a million dollars, and I’ll throw this harp under a bus, and never play the Blues again. It aint my Fate! My life aint no fucking Love song to the Blues.

 but  I’ll pray for you girl like I never prayed before, because this time I know it’s real, You are – Becky .. on the road
[instrumental]

So anyways, Becky had two kids, Samantha, who’s a living doll, and Patrick, who’s  the funniest little man you ever saw. She’d married her high school sweetheart, but they were all ready divorced and she was living with Jim when I met her. The divorce was really messy.  He had his career and the money and the kids, except on alternate weekends, and, Becky lived for her kids, and it really hurt being away from them.  I only met the ex once, at a Christmas party, and  I asked him how he finds time to take care of them, he goes “ That’s why I hired a maid”-I damn near knocked his teeth out, seriously, Becky comes over and goes “Catfish, you’re not helping”  she was right  of course, but what was I supposed to do?

but  I’ll pray for you girl like I never prayed before, because this time I know it’s real, You are – Becky .. on the road

 [laughing heh, heh] Jim decked me for that. That took balls. Most folks got more sense than to mess with the Cat.
[instrumental]

I’ll always remember that night on the beach, cupping her breast in my hand, and feeling her tremble as I rolled on top of her, I put my fingers to her lip and said “Becky, I’d never do anything to hurt you”

but  I’ll pray for you girl like I never prayed before, because this time I know it’s real, You are – Becky .. on the road
 [instrumental]

I had an accident a while ago.  It was a skiing accident, sort of, I don’t  really want to go into it, but I was laid up in the hospital for three weeks, and by the time I got out with the bills and everything, they’d taken everything.  So you start over, this is America, you can always start over, they haven’t fucked that over yet.  You work twice as hard, and twice as long and eventually you can get back to where you where.  Time and Effort, Heart and Soul, that’s all it takes, people are doing it every day.  But I’m asking around and I learn that Becky’s lost visitation rights of her kids, so she’s gone, and nobody seems to know where, and Jim’s  got a new job in St Louis, so he’s gone down river, and I’m walking around St Paul feeling like a ghost or something.  So what do I do? I pick up and go to Chicago, why?  Because I’m a jackass, that’s why.

but  I’ll pray for you girl like I never prayed before, because this time I know it’s real, You are – Becky .. on the road

But yeh, Becky’s here in Chicago, somewhere.  I’ll never see her again, I know that, but she’s here, somewhere.  Jim and Becky were living together  when I first met her ,and Jim was my best friend, we go way back, and I kind of got in the middle of all that, and it just makes me feel sort of sick thinking about it, I mean I’d never do anything to hurt Jim, or Becky. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and it feels like you’ve been wrong about everything.  And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it?
[short instrumental]

But yeh, Becky’s  here in Chicago chasing her Dream, and I’m just hoping she can get by, without, you know all the things that can happen, and  I’m wandering around with a lot of free time and a notebook in my hand, writing down  “the Greatest Love Song ever written!”, when it finally dawns on me – Catfish! You’re a Bluesman, what the Hell do you know about Love?..

but  I’ll pray for you girl like I never prayed before, because this time I know it’s real, You are – Becky .. on the road

I’ll pray for you girl like I never prayed before, because this time I know it’s real, You are – Becky .. on the road

 One of the guys grabs his coat, throws it over his shoulder,  goes over to the cash register, buys a cup of coffee from Boss Lady and  leaves  it on the table next to Catfish’s empty tip jar, he puts on his coat and walks to the door, the other guy gets up and walks to the door also, they exit as a couple.

Awkward Guy: Sue, do you want another cup of Coffee? I’d be glad to get it for you.
Sue (blushing): Actually 5 cups was too much I think (runs off to the restroom)

Scene #1 part B, [Song #2 - What the Hell is a Chicken Dance?]

Boss Lady is running the espresso machine, which makes it’s horrible grinding noise. Catfish continues with his next song, performing for Awkward guy, the notebook woman, and Boss Lady (who is still working on her Sodoku book), toward the end of the song Sue comes out of the restroom, It is a pathetic audience to perform for.

[listen to Song #2 "What the Hell is a Chicken Dance?" on this You-Tube link.

song performed by John Black, but I own the copyright, and and all rights] 

Song 2: What the Hell is a Chicken Dance?

[BLUES HARMONICA VERSION OF “Here Comes the Bride”]

Catfish: So I got an email the other day from some guy in England who’s going to hold a wedding in town, and they’re looking for a Harp player.  Naturally, I mailed them back and said I play the blues harp, I don’t really play that stringy thingy that you’re looking for. But they emailed me back, and said no, they’re looking for a trio there to do a little cover music, and do that there wedding march, and to make sure I knew “The Chicken Dance”.  Had to think about that there a minute, and I thought hmmmmm the chicken dance….

[INSTRUMENTAL—CATFISH’S INTERPRETATION OF A “CHICKEN DANCE” – which is like a clucking chicken – it is obvious Catfish doesn’t have a clue what the real chicken dance sounds like]

What the Hell is a Chicken Dance? I don’t know

What the Hell is a Chicken Dance? I don’t know

What the Hell is a Chicken Dance? I just don’t know

But you can bet I can play it, if you got some dough

[INSTRUMENTAL and clucking sounds]

What the Hell is a Chicken Dance? I don’t know

What the Hell is a Chicken Dance? I don’t know

What the Hell is a Chicken Dance? I just don’t know

But you can bet I can play it, if you got some dough

Yeah, I will play your Chicken Dance, do not fear

I will play your Chicken Dance, do not fear

I will play your Chicken Dance, do not fear

I will play your Chicken Dance, then disappear

[INSTRUMENTAL and clucking sounds]

Adios amigos.

 (Catfish puts on a hilarious exhibition, playing guitar, clucking and strutting like a chicken as he heads off stage, but there is no applause at the end of the song from the stage audience, he comes back on stage with a big stage smile)

Catfish: Thank you, you’ve been a great audience, I’ll see you next month. 

Boss Lady hands Catfish a bag of coffee as he walks out into the night into an alley next to the Cafe

Scene 2 - no songs

Scene 2

In an alley, Catfish leans up against a wall, holding the bag of coffee.

Catfish: (Disoriented) I’m just a little dizzy…this is crazy I haven’t eaten in two days, I’m singing the “Three Day Blues” in a coffee shop full of cakes and donuts and because rules are rules, they pay me a bag of coffee.  I CANT EAT A BAG OF COFFEE! I think…maybe I could…

Catfish takes a couple of beans out of the bag –he makes it obvious that he is thinking about eating the coffee beans, but thinks better of the idea, but then changes his mind again, and chews on them. They are terrible, but he manages to swallow them. He looks at the bag sadly for a moment, and then lies down on the ground and falls asleep. Blackout.

Scene #3 Part a - Song #3-Three-Day Blues / #4 MN Blues

Scene 3

Catfish, dreaming, finds himself in a large storage space.  Records, eight tracks and CDs are arranged on the shelves of two large gray metal racks. One of the racks is much fuller than the other.  The emptier of the two is twisted, as if it had once almost collapsed under a great strain. A mop and a broom are in one corner of the space, though it has only recently been used as a broom closet. The handle of the mop leans on the glass frame of a gold record. There is a large poster of the Beatles on the wall, which has been written upon, possibly autographed.  Two old phonographs players are in the room.  One is much older, with a horn speaker and a hand crank, for playing 78’s.  The other is boxy, with a cheap vinyl surface, for playing 45’s.  A light bulb hangs down on a cord.

Catfish:What a Shit hole

(there is a brief pause)

I’m not leaving

(another brief pause)

Fine, I’ll wait

(selects a 78,admires it, and carefully puts it on the turntable, and cranks it up)

[hear Song #3 "Three Day Blues" on this YouTube link - I hired John Black to record
this song, but like all the songs in this play, I am exclusive owner of all rights,
copyrighted 2010] 

Song #3 –Three Day Blues

Come home sick and tired

sun be burning my back all day

woman be there waiting

she say “honey, where’s the pay?”

I look down at the dirt

she say “We aint had bread for three days”

i say woman stop this nagging,

can’t you just go away?

she say “honey what’s the problem?

i will understand,

I will always be your woman,

baby, you my man”

i  look down at the dirt

she say “we aint had bread for three days”

i say woman stop this nagging

up and walk away

 [solo]

WELL Ol’ Jim had a bOttle

and i took eight, nine hit

come home sloppy drunk, that woman just waiting

to throw a fit

she say “Lord this a fine sight!

we aint had bread for three days

i say woman stop this naggin’

can’t you just…..go away?

 (lifts the phonograph needle) 

Catfish: Yeh, they don’t write like that anymore

Carefully puts the record back in it’s liner, then into the album and back on top of the chaotic pile of albums, but Catfish treats it like it’s a Fabrege egg

Picks up a 45 LP, and speechless, admires it.  He plugs in the second phonograph, puts the record on the turntable , and carefully puts the needle arm down.  Then he leans back and closes his eyes, smiling as he hears the static at the start of the record

[hear Song #4 "Minnesota Blues" on this YouTube link - I hired John Black to record
this song, but like all the songs in this play, I am exclusive owner of all rights,
copyrighted 2010] 

Song #4 - The Minnesota Blues

I went back to the city, in my worn out shoes

Out on the main street, where people walk in twos

I was just a looking, couldn’t win or lose

‘Cuz I was alone with the Minnesota blues.

(Catfish pick up an electric guitar and plays and sings along to the record, soon all that is heard is Catfish’s live version)

with so many choices, you kind of hate to choose

i could say i have my reasons, but it may be a ruse

‘cuz i can’t shake this feeling that i can’t win or lose

when i am alone with the Minnesota blues.

yeh, back in that ol’ city, back where i paid my dues,

blowing through the alley, like yesterday’s news

never coming back here, whether I win or lose

couldn’t stand to be alone with the minnesota blues

(Picks up the phonograph needle and puts back record)

Catfish: Good shit Maynard (pause)

So you aint talking to me, huh. OK, I can wait

 

End of Scene #3 [Song #5 "Riding the Dog"]

Pulls out harmonica and starts to play

[listen to the song "Rding the Dog" on this YouTubelink:

I apologize for the quality of this live performace recording]

Song 5: Riding the Dog (A dialogue between speaker and instrument)

Catfish: All right, so this is kind of an instrumental, with some spoken stuff thrown in and it’s about a Greyhound bus trip I took many years ago. And anybody who’s ever had the pleasure of riding a Greyhound bus knows it’s got the picture of the dog on the outside, and so they call it riding the dog, and that’s the name of the song, riding the dog

[SOLO]

Now perhaps I should explain, like I said this is a trip from Chicago, Illinois to Ames, Iowa several years ago and at the time, started in the morning, started the trip with a couple packs of cigarettes and a bottle of black velvet, and everything’s long gone by this point. And it’s late in the night, and you’re somewhere in the middle of Iowa.

[SOLO]

Now there’s really nothing to do this time of night [RESPONSE]

Except just look out the window [RESPONSE]

And start thinking things [RESPONSE]

And you start thinking ‘bout how things are gonna get better [RESPONSE]

Certainly can’t get any worse. [EXTENDED RESPONSE]

So everybody’s in the bus kind of thinking their own thoughts [RESPONSE]

Yeah (quiet chuckle) [EXTENDED RESPONSE]

And you start thinking if it’s worth it [EXTENDED RESPONSE]

Now I kind of figure, probably 90% of you really don’t know about hard times, I don’t know, but I figure one or two of you might be, so I’ll just keep talking.

[SOLO]

So yeah, you’re kind of wondering if it’s worth it [RESPONSE]

But really, you know the answer to that [RESPONSE]

It is, …eventually [EXTENDED RESPONSE]

But right now, you’re in the middle of Iowa [RESPONSE]

It’s 3 in morning [RESPONSE]

And there’s a long way to go [EXTENDED RESPONSE]

Yeah, you’re riding the dog

[SOLO]

Yeah that’s riding the dog [EXTENDED RESPONSE]

And finally you see the sign 10 miles to Ames

[SOLO]

And you’re there.

[end of song] pause.

Voice #1: But where are you?

Catfish: (obviously startled and a little scared at this voice seemly coming out of thin air): I’m here…..I’m right here, talking to you, I’m the one, I’m you’re man [the voices come from the two record player which are illuminated when the voices talk – also the records spin when they are talking and the sound comes out of the record player speakers]

Voice #2: You? Shoot, who the Hell are you?

Catfish: Ca..Ca..Catfish Bones, Sir.  This is an honor, I’m a huge fan

Voice #2: Fan? Fan! Well, in Heavens’ name, I’ve got me a Fan! Do you believe that, I’ve been dead almost 50 years, but I still got me a fan!

Voice #1: He might be a fan, but he’s just some young buck with an axe who thinks he knows it all, what do you know friend? Seriously what do you know about the Blues?

Catfish: (having regained his composure is confidant, smug even) The Blues aint nothin’ but a good man feeling bad

Voice #2: You got that right. As true now as when I said it

Voice #1: It aint the Blues boy, that aint why we’re here.

Catfish: But of course it’s the Blues, why else……….

Voice #1: I went to the Crossroads……….

Catfish:  But that’s’ just a song

Voice #1: Just a song? You hear that, he says it’s just a song! What do you know about songs?

Voice #2: Just a song? I could take my songs into any town I cared to go! Hell I went to Europe, had a wife, pretty little thing, had a house, Man I had all,

Catfish:  Yeh, I’ve read about how…..

Voice #2: Fuck you

Voice #1: Don’t get him mad like that, but you gotta understand what it was like, Man you’d come into town and the people were excited! The Blues were new, the Blues were Hot! You’d go to rent parties, and Jukes, people take into their homes and set you up real nice, pretty girls would throw themselves at you, and all you had to do was play your axe.  So you played with everything you had. You gave the Blues your soul, and in return the Blues gave you everything. Everything! man, everything!

Voice #2:Aint right for no man, aint natural to get ev’rything you want

Voice #1: Makes you do thing you shouldn’t, things you have to pay for later

Voice #2: Gotta pay for everything, What goes around, comes around

Voice #1:  Amen

Catfish: You mean you’re here to pay for your sins in life?

Voice #1: This aint no shrine, Boy. We cursed the Gods, This is our punishment

Voice #2: We’re being punished, son, go home

Catfish: I don’t believe that nonsense. Superstition, the Devil, curses, no way.  Its’ the music, that’s why you’re here. It has to be.  The music is real, your soul lives on, it keeps the music alive.

They’ve locked you up, but they can’t kill you, you are the soul of the music.  You are the spirit of the Blues, and I want to be a part of that.

Voice #1: They’re just songs

Catfish: Just songs? Pony Blues, Dark is the Night, Crossroads, Going Down Slow, Parchman’s Farm,  Mean Old World, Dust My Broom, Juke, Bright Lights, Big City, Stormy Monday, Mojo, Fattening Frogs for Snakes, those aren’t just songs.  No! They are what’s worth preserving. Punishment, that’s bullshit! You’re here to save something, something that’s unique, something that would be lost – the Blues! That’s why you’re here.

I remember when the Blues opened up a whole world for me – sure there was loneliness and poverty, but there was more, the Blues taught me perseverance, and dignity, honesty, respect, you gave that to me, you guy’s taught me what it was to be a man! In your songs I found Truth! In your songs, I found Wisdom!

 Voice #1: Wisdom?  He’s standing in a broom closet, shouting at a record player ‘bout Wisdom!

Voice #2: He’s one crazy cat.

Voice #1: We had Money, Booze, Girls, shit we had it all, what have you got?

Voice #2: Bad dreams, and a belly full of coffee beans.  Those days are gone man, give it up, they’re just songs, what are you getting out of this?

Voice #1: Aint no way to make a living now, nobody cares anymore

Voice #2: They were great songs

Voice #1: Yeh, but nobody would pay to hear that stuff any more

Voice #2: Nobody cares

Catfish: Nobody cares, you’re right, they’re just songs, nobody cares, nobody cares

(leaves room, then a long pause……….)

Voice #1: He wasn’t the one.

Voice #2: No.(pause)

Voice #1: We’ll find him; we’ll pass it along

The light turns off……………..

Scene 4 [Song #6 U Nvr Nu Me]

Scene 4

Catfish wakes up in the alleyway, gets up and walks down the street to a diner. He enters the diner and approaches the cook. He shows him the bag of coffee and points to the menu (Song #9 U Nvr Nu Me plays in the background) While the song plays the action takes place silently -The Cook takes the bag of coffee and comes back with a meal and a cup of coffee Catfish is eating the meal when the song ends.

[listen to the song "U Nvr Nu Me" on this YouTube link]

Song #6 U Nvr Nu Me

You know what i’m thinking?

you never knew me.

you never gave me a chance.

I just wasn’t pretty enough for you.

certainly wasn’t rich enough.

probably weighed too much

you never knew me, you never gave me a chance.

so honey, what’s on tv tonight?

‘cause i’m going out.   bitch

you never knew me you never gave me a chance

you never knew me,

you never, never gave me a chance

harp solo to end

Scene 4 part b [song #7 - Slow Joe]

(the cook turns and goes back to the grill, flipping pancakes)

The Busboy picks up the tin whistle again and boldly puts it to his lips,

And plays a scale, although it is obvious he has never played before,

He suddenly starts composing a simple but interesting tune, and then repeats

It,  but much faster and much cleaner. He pauses, looks at the tin whistle, and smiles

a grin of pure joy, he puts the tin whistle to his lips and let’s loose with a

fast paced solo, as Catfish, watching this fascinated picks up a pen and writes on a napkin.  Catfish speaks what he is writing, as he writes it:

[Listen to the song "Slow Joe" on this YouTube link:

I aplogize for my "singing" and the recording quality]

Song 7: Slow Joe

Catfish: Yeah they call him Slow Joe, and that’s kind of funny

He got big fat legs and a big old tummy

He repeats himself, like some burnt-out rummy

And they call him Slow Joe, and that’s kind of funny

His ma says now listen up, listen good, sonny

You’re a man with a job and you’re making money

You don’t let nobody call you a big dummy

And all ways remember that I love you honey

So he’s bussing tables, and he’s making money

Yeah he’s bussing tables and he’s making money,

And they call him Slow Joe, and that’s kind of funny

Yeah they call him Slow Joe, …….and that’s kind of funny

[TIN WHISTLE SOLO]

(Slow Joe smiles, nods to Catfish,  puts down the tin whistle and goes back to bussing tables)

Cook (turns from the stove to the counter and looking at the harmonica on the table): You any good at that Mississippi saxophone?

Catfish: yeh, I can play, why you asking?

Cook:  Me and the Cashier have a Blues band, and if you can play that amplified Chicago shit I got the amp and the band for you.

Catfish: (To himself in a stage whsiper) What the Hell, I need a meal ticket.

Blackout.

(the play continues click on [older posts] to read and hear the rest of this play -thank you )

Scene #5 [Song #8-Wheelchair by the Door]

Scene 5

The diner, after closing. The diner is empty except for the Cook, Cashier, a Bass player, and Catfish. They are getting ready to practice together—the Cook plays guitar, the Cashier plays drums. There is a large digital clock on a wall.  It is a little after 9:00 pm

 Cook: So what do you got?

Catfish: Let’s do a 12 bar in D

Cashier: You heard the man, 12 bar in D boys, hit it

[listen to my recording of "Wheelchair by the Door'" on this YouTube link:]

 Song 8: Wheelchair by the Door

Catfish: HE’S AN OLD MAN OF NINTEY

THE WHEELCHAIR’S BY THE DOOR

He thinks his friends are coming

but they died in the War

He knows that you are family

but your name he can't recall

and if you can't see the Beauty,

you can't see at all

yeah, if you can't see the Beauty

you can't see at all

She's the Old Lady in the shoe,

gets by on that Social Security check

But she'll break out the best china

“Ain’t no trouble, what the heck”

the steaks are thick and juicy

when you leave, she asks you to call

and if you can't see the Beauty,

you can't see at all

Yeah, I tell you she's a Beauty

but you don't see at all

The wind was blowing trash

down this God-damned, lousy street

and I swear it was a week

since I last had a bite to eat

when I first picked up this harp

played it, and Man, I had a ball

and if you can't hear the Beauty

you can't hear at all

YEH, If you can't hear the Beauty

you can't hear at all 

Catfish: Well what do you think?

Cashier: I think it’s getting late

Cook: (loud yawn, as he rubs his eyes) Raaaaah! Oh my, look at the time.  We got a busy today tomorrow

Catfish: (looking at a digital clock on the wall, it reads 9:15 or around there) Late, huh,

even in Minnesota we’d stay up ‘til 9:30

Cashier: Well, this is Chicago, chief, and it’s late

Cook: Yes, We need to lock up now and get on home, and uh, we’ll let you know

Catfish: Sure, Of course, well thanks,

Catfish exits the diner. Behind him, the Cook holds his nose and laughs silently, as the Cashier nods in agreement. Blackout.

The End

Catfish Bones - Artwork